Due West - An Essay on Personal Growth, Mountains, and Metaphors

Change has been a constant in my life this year. Much like a well worn, comfortable sweatshirt. Although we have become more comfortable with each other through a couple of different jobs and a couple of different cities. Change harasses me, and I heckle change. So our relationship is tentative. But we both really love to adventure, so we are putting our energy towards just that. 

Willis, Jaclyn, and I arrived at our destination on Thursday, with every ounce of excitement three friends could have in the beginning hours of an adventure. With great hosts, an organic, open, and beautiful home, a little booze, and a beautiful evening, we planned and prepped for the rest of our weekend.


On Friday, we made our way to Downtown Denver to indulge in the greatest pancakes ever, tattoo our bodies up, and see what Denver is all about in sunshine fall weather. While walking from one stop to the next, my wallet was stolen. Of which, my credit cards, ID and other important information was. I had no control, but I had my friends. 

Colorado has always been a snowboarding destination for me. My family has a cool little history of owning a couple of ski resorts in Iowa. While growing up playing in the snow, I started a passion for snowboarding. But I planned this mountain trip to do other mountain things, and then my wallet got stolen?

Then there is my 2016 Colorado story which represents the change, opportunities, and friendships in my life. I started this journey with Willis and Jaclyn. The moment we planned this trip, I knew my soul needed stirred up. Something deep down was trying to work itself out, something ugly. Distractions in my life made me limp, and then weaseled their way in as my crutch so I can never be focused. And this year I haven’t been focused on my important soul needs. On the same note, I was blind to my struggle.


We woke up before dawn to arrive at the Garden of the Gods at sunrise. Deer, rabbits, and bird species that I had never seen before were out and about. Garden of the Gods, a national monument that has giant red and orange rock jutting out of the earth in abstract formations - it made me feel small, yet infinite with my friends. Then, around the park there are hiking trails that go up and down the mountains, offer outlooks, and circle another monument, the balancing rock.


Balance. 

As I look at my life, and for a long time, I was on top of the mountain. However, now I’m in the valley working on my soul, hammering out the kinks, creating healthy mental habits, becoming a better life partner, a better daughter, a better sister. And it’s hard and frustrating, because only now do I realize I was doing it all wrong. But now I'm growing, and that's good.

“Pikes Peak, America’s Mountain!” A 14,115-foot elevation makes this mountain one of the 14ers of the Colorado Rocky Mountains. On your way to the summit, there are 19 points of interest that are explorable at your own pace. Nineteen miles of paved road takes tourists and locals up and down the mountain during the warm months, and we lucked out for the chance to explore in the middle of November on a bright and sunny Saturday. As we began our trek, I was excited to see the top of yet, another mountain. 

Jaclyn drove my dad’s white dodge caravan, while I sat shotgun, and Willis snuggled up for a quick nap in the back. Before I knew it, we rose in elevation, looking down 500 ft + drops and up 500 ft + mountain walls. Sometimes there were rails, but most of the time there wasn’t, and no safety net existed to truly save any one going off the side of the cliff. As each minute passed, my knuckles grew whiter as my fear for lack of control lingered. I saw the beautiful outlooks, the green trees, white birch, mountain scenes, but I didn't really see them. My anxiety fogged my mind from enjoying any aspect of it. Now, Jac is a good driver, everything by the book, but my insides were screaming SLOW DOWN!  For 10,000 feet of elevation I pretended everything was great. Pointing, oohing and aweing when needed.

“I am terrified right now. These gigantic drops make my stomach drop! Every time I look out, my heart drops in my stomach, and my stomach out my ass.” I spewed.

“Girl, you fine.” Jaclyn replied.

Though I’ve heard this one thousand and one times, this time it stuck in my soul on the perfect target. A clear picture of my demons finally showed. Terrifying to see, but knowing gave me the opportunity to fight with accuracy.

I stepped out of the van at 14,115 feet, and the bad energy thinned out of me, out of thecar  and dispersed into the air and out of my life. I stare out across the world, and my lens on life cleansed. My demons destroyed because I’m not alone anymore. I never was, but it wasn't clear to me. 

You can't ever cure symptoms, you can only mask them. But on top of the mountain, I saw the cause, and I smashed that sucker in. 

Willis drove down the mountain. “Mara, do you want to sit in the back?” Jaclyn asks.

“Yes… Wait, no I don’t. I want to sit in the front. This mountain isn’t done with me yet.” At each switchback down the mountainside, my soul replaced my demons with bravery and strength as I won the fight. I don’t know if it was the altitude change, or a change in my perspective, but with every mile marker down I breathed a little easier and felt a little lighter.

It wasn’t emotionally filled with tears, I didn’t scream at the top of the mountain, no one narrated how I felt, I just let all the bad shit go. My whole-body filled with peace. Maybe it was the adrenaline, maybe it was self-preservation, but I’m fresh and new inside. I am indebted to those who are loyal to me as I follow my compass project, and I definitely owe the mountains one, that’s for sure.

Crystal Reservoir @ Pikes Peak

All of these photos were taken on my iPhone SE, High Res Photos to come (editing).